Thursday, November 21, 2013

More Like Farts and Crafts

Look. I'm a girl. I can do things. I can do a lot of things. I can cook, clean (I am ABLE), train a dog, grow vegetables, fold clothes, write, edit, wax academic, be sexy, be casual, bathe myself, eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting, binge watch television on Netflix (or any channel offering an America's Next Top Model marathon), read, snore, swallow more than one pill at a time, exercise, cycle, drive a stick shift, gossip, give advice, tell jokes, do shots, do my hair, pack a bowl, read a newspaper, teach a class, follow instructions...I could go on forever. I can do anything really, except CRAFT.

It's not that I CAN'T craft, and it's not that I don't like is that I don't like it. I don't want to do it. If you're thinking about inviting me to a crafting extravaganza, you might want to think again. And no, adding wine as an incentive will NOT make me somehow want to come to your craft party. I can drink wine any time I want. I'm an adult. I don't need the excuse of a party to drink wine. I have a dog, a couch, a library of books, a television set, AND a box full of cheap wine glasses. I can drink wine on my own and not feel an OUNCE of guilt. There's no magic in taking a handful of buttons and some Mod Podge that will somehow make me feel like drinking wine is suddenly OKAY. I already think drinking wine is okay. There are no superlatives to the word "okay."

I have listened to friends that I LOVE, that I think are the coolest people, BEG me to come to their crafting parties, and I didn't argue. I just laughed. I just laughed. You think I can't talk girl talk with you unless I'm gluing lace to a pillow? Look, I wear makeup. I know the art of seduction. I don't need to prove it by crafting a birthday party for my boyfriend (Okay. I don't have a boyfriend, but if I did, I wouldn't make decorations for his birthday party. I would invite his friends and buy booze. What more could he want?).

And don't think I haven't tried it. I've tried crafting parties. I usually just sit there watching everyone dive into these incredibly intricate and thoughtful projects while I finish off a whole bottle of wine. The only thing I get out of a craft party is purple lips and teeth. Sometimes I cover my fingers in glue and peel it off...cuz that's fun, but I rarely get into the spirit of creativity.

And I KNOW....OMG, I KNOW that it might make Christmas shopping easier. I could just make some crappy hand made cards for people and drop them in the mail and BOOM...Christmas is done, and I feel no guilt for how broke I am. I made pretty things for you. Except that was more okay when I was a kid and making macaroni collages.

You know what. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make macaroni collages for ALL OF YOU. Macaroni, Elmer's glue all, washable markers, and maybe my handprint. And you HAVE to love it...because I DIY-ed it. I freaking do-it-yourselfed that shit.

Finally, in protest of the most harmless of all of the activities (because, honestly, ladies, more power to you), I'm going to have a girl party where we just drink wine, listen to music, and fart (which means I'll be inviting you to a regular day in my life at my apartment). Who's in?

I have no pictures for this blog.....yet.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

No Shave November

My original intent was to post sexy ladies with hairy legs (mostly just pictures of me in mom shorts), but then I found this (click on it!), and I was inspired to make this joke:

If J Crew makes it trendy for people to wear tights that replicate hairy legs, I am going to save so much money on pants from now on.

At first, it was kind of sexy. Guys would nod to each other in solidarity at the camaraderie that comes from having the same dirty looking facial hair for a full month. Manly men, with 5 o'clock shadow that really looked more like 72 hour shadow, would proudly put their arms around the shoulders of their independent women. The patriarchy had found a way to maintain some sort of control, whilst instituting the sexiest form of the upper hand.

I ask you, but mostly I ask me, what well-read feminist can resist a man who refuses to let the women's movement render him weak? Everything is circular. I'm perfectly happy with men going back to being burly. It beats Bro-ey any day.

But, ladies. It's time to take back the night. We've let them have their fun, and we've had plenty of fun ourselves. It's time to level-up. Get off your sexy asses. Turn away from your Pinterest board in homage to the beast that is the hairy male species.

I now declare (as if I had the authority to do so) No Shave November applicable to women. If you're already doing it, come out about it. If you haven't ever tried it, give it a whirl...swirl....curl.

And for the men out there reading this: EVOLVE.


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