Passage

Let me begin by apologizing for not blogging in like...a month. I've been really busy. I've inflicted too much work on myself. I'm working through it...one day at a time.

This weekend was a very important weekend for me. Some might say that attending your ten year high school reunion is a milestone. I say it's a right of passage. I spent weeks commenting, "My ten year high school reunion is in three weeks (two, one...day...)." By Friday I was a bit of a mess. I was wired, calling my friends and babbling about how I didn't know what I was going to wear. I got a hair cut. I went to target, was very unsatisfied, went to Old Navy, was even more unsatisfied, back to Target, EVEN MORE unsatisfied...AGAIN.

It's not what I expected. Going back to Harding was less of an anxiety than I had decided it would be. I don't know how to describe it really. I don't know how to make it make sense. I forgot how many people in High School loved me for being exactly the way I am. I think I felt so much in high school that no one understood me, and that's probably true (I still feel like no one understands me), but I had forgotten how many people were truly interested in and fascinated by the things that I did and thought. I had forgotten that, despite the regular nonsense that goes on in the private school bubble, we had all learned about love in the same way. We had all learned how to love each other.

I was amazed at the love that poured out of me this weekend. The love that stretched far beyond the pain and confusion that I have struggled with during my twenties. A love that recognized the same confusion and disillusion. I suppose there's a reason we have a ten year high school reunion rather than a five year reunion. Five years after high school, the realities of being in your twenties have just started to beat you down. Ten years down the line, you're not quite there yet, but you've gotten comfortable with the amount of strength it takes to get up in the morning. And it's finally okay to look back and have a little laugh at how young we were, and how big the world seemed. The distance between everyone you knew then grows over the years, but in the light of where you've all been, and where you're all trying to be, it's necessary to reach out and remember how easy it is to love.

I spent the end of the night at Chris Haley's birthday party. He gave a speech. He had a hard time trying to say it. But I knew...there is so much love. We have so much love to give. Even when we feel like there's nothing left...there's so much.

I'm trying this thing. I'm trying to share the love. I'm trying to decide to be happy. In 2006, I woke up every morning and tried to decide to forgive myself. This year, I will wake up in the morning and try to decide to be happy, and to love. Regardless of who loves me back. There's plenty.