I had the biggest crush on Kermit the Frog when I was a child. I also had a crush on the Robin Hood fox from Disney's Robin Hood. I'm serious. I wanted to be a cartoon marvelous much so that I could marry that Robin Hood fox. I miss those simple urges. The child-like dream that perhaps there is a world in which cartoons are real, and they are waiting, just as I am, to be friends.
Last night, after my show, I took some complements, changed clothes, simmered down, and went home alone. Man, I was sad. It's hard to look forward to an evening alone after something as earth shattering and intense as the role I'm playing right now. Of course, I still feel that my college acting coach would not be happy with my performance, but that's not really important at this juncture. I went home alone, and I was sad. And I thought, "if only I didn't have to go home alone..." If only. There was a time when that thought would end there, but not last night. Last night, only moments after the conception of the first thought, I replied to myself, "Going home to someone is not always the happiest of things." And it's true. It isn't the person waiting at home that brings happiness. I have had plenty of nights, when I was in a relationship, that coming home to someone was not the proverbial icing on the cake.
The truth of the matter is that it isn't up to the person waiting at home or the person that wants to be with me after the show to make me happy. What a horribly difficult responsibility to bestow upon anyone else. No, my happiness is entirely up to me.
OH NO! I've figured it out...the answer at least. Practice is the hardest, most frustratingly painful part. And that's where the rainbow song comes into play. So, there aren't that many songs about rainbows, but the songs that do exist are fantastic. So, there's no one waiting at home to tell me how fantastic I am. I have a home. I have a bed. I have cuddly animals. I have me. I always have me. I wait for the day when the comfort is that I am waiting on the other side. I follow the rainbow from one end to the other, and I find...me. Comfortable, strong, loving, and happy.