Thursday, August 4, 2011

Talking it Out

I wish I could tell you that things were great or things were terrible. I can do neither. Things are neither great nor terrible, but they still seem to be weighing on me a great deal. I'm in a blank, still, muggy place that shakes me to my core while at the same time boring me to death. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. I'm just going to be honest. Sometimes I think I'm going insane. I feel like I'm too busy to think straight whilst getting absolutely nothing done. When my therapist cured me of perfectionism, she left me with this unique ability to be satisfied with mediocrity. Yes, I no longer explode over the tiny details, but I don't seem to hone in on them ever either. I feel content yet stifled to be sauntering through my days.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm also feeling the weight of being alone these days. I sit at home, surrounded by my animals, and I think, "I'm incredibly lonely." The only contact I feel I have these days is with people I'm telling what to do, and people that are telling me what to do. I'm losing my ability to have a rational, normal, inspiring conversation with anyone. Oh...and nothing inspires me these days. And that makes me sad.

Am I losing you?

Maybe...maybe...for the first time ever...I feel age. I don't feel young, fun, or energetic, and that is daunting. I probably haven't eaten enough today, and that is part of the problem....but...even when I do eat enough...when I eat a lot, I feel dragged down. I kinda wish something super awesome would happen to just knock me off my feet. I could probably find it myself, but that would require motivation and inspiration...BLURG.

Perhaps...just maybe...I need a new goal.....Oh...wait...now I'm a little bit inspired....

2 comments:

Casi Cook said...

I love this. It's very impowering I think. You are a very good writer.

Nancy Caroline said...

Thanks! That means a lot.