I've been sitting here, looking at this blank screen for a few good long moments...also chewing on my hangnails...fervently. It really is easier to write in the morning or the evening...right after or just before bed. It will be a relief to have the internet at home very soon. It will also be a relief to get a paycheck on Friday. I don't like getting paid once a month. I don't like having to manage my money. I hold on too tight. 'Tis the norm for me...in everything.
I have been overwhelmed, as of late, with confusion, terror, loneliness, peace, productivity, and the occasional spark of power. I spent the weekend in the sun...in a hammock...at someone else's house in the faraway land of Collierville. I spent the weekend loving the people around me...but hiding away...deep inside of myself. And no...I'm not coming out.
I have these terrifying moments of desperation...of the inability to sit still and to let things sink in...to let the reality of what must be done affect me...instead, I'm looking for an out...a distraction in hopes that it might make things easier. I feel like I am not allowed to be myself...for the moment...even with myself. I am a sleepwalker in my own dreams. I am screaming inside...stupid ideas and stupid thoughts. The past two years seem surreal to me. I cannot imagine the future...I am torn between desperately wanting the old future and wondering every once in a while just what the new future might hold.
I do not feel very strong. There are times when I feel like I have a gaping, bleeding hole inside of me. The idea of letting go of...not just the past...but my unquenchable thirst for insights into the future...is exhausting.
2 comments:
i think sometimes we need to retreat to a hammock, literal or metaphorical, to both relax and also explode with anxiety while no one is looking.
also, whoopee cushions help.
and also, i have your swimuit.
who needs whoopee cushions, when you have Caroline for the real thing?
but seriously. no, SERIOUSLY. you've done an amazing job of not running and retreating. you've been very honest and forthcoming about the pain, about the process. i think that's a type of therapy, personally. if you need to hide sometimes, that's ok, too. just. not too long.
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