Sunday, June 29, 2008

Discovering Denial Deep Down

I wrote a week or so ago about entering into the acceptance stage. I might have been wrong about that. Over the past few weeks...the 'no internet' weeks...I have been overcome with bouts of anger...yes acceptance...but more anger...and the arrival of said bane has forced me to realize the level of my denial while simultaneously perpetuating more anger.

I miss London. I miss the people. I miss the sky. I miss the walks. I miss the rides on the Tube.I miss the feeling of moving forward. The absence of this weird fear of a stymied existence. The feeling of power I got from figuring out the a sense. I denied myself those feelings for a long time. Accepting them makes me angry. Accepting my being sent home makes me angry. What is there for me in London now? Nothing. There is no reason to go back...and I'm angry about that. Every Memphian fears that nothing will come along to help us break out. I love Memphis...but the big world is out there...begging me to join it...and without a seems a bit of a stretch to go dashing off my front porch for longer than a month. I miss London. I wanted to be there longer. I really really did.

Also...with the arrival of this person...I get to hear complaints of how much better London is than crappy, hot, have to drive everywhere Memphis. Which makes me angry...because I didn't ask to come back here. I was sent here.

Then I have these moments of believing for a split second that he's missed me desperately. That he regrets his decision every day...that he's miserable. But he isn't. He's fine. Peachy. Of course.

My internet is back up. Let's get down with the emotional updates.


chrishaley said...

Don't forget what I said. (That is if you recall it at all.)

Also, any advice sounds better if you imagine the person saying it with a Scottish accent.

Anonymous said...

School is often a good excuse to move. If you're going to torture yourself by pursuing another degree, you could do it in another place. But you don't really need another excuse besides your desire to see the world.


sunshine award winner said...

Like anyone thought you'd stay in Memphis . . . isn't leaving a given? I mean, every Memphian is planning to leave "someday". Although, sometimes it's nice to be still for a minute . . . and you know, have lunch with friends . . . or not. . .

Vanessa said...

yea! for inter-nets!

I was wondering how you were doing with all that... Call me if you are in desperate need of a third (or just a number two) wheel while Diana and James go to Chicago : )

Anonymous said...

So apparently you're living like 2 seconds away from me...that's somewhere you can walk, yeah! I mean, I wouldn't walk by myself at certain times of the day, or at night, but you know. Let's get in touch!