Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Abyss

Last night I wrote a terribly sad blog, turned off my computer, and tucked myself into bed. Then I sat up, turned my computer on, and deleted said sad blog. I'm serious folks, it was a sad one, and although I'm not getting too many comments lately, I decided that raining on everyone's parade wasn't the best method for eking them out. I will say that the rain is tremendously depressing. I don't know if anyone else feels it. Probably not. I used to like rainy summer days. But it rained ALL DAY yesterday, and I got tired of hiking up my pants legs and trying to defrost my windshield.

Deleting my blog made we wonder for a moment what happens to things that we delete on the internet. Where do they go? Throwing away a piece of paper full of my deepest darkest secrets is not really like throwing it away at all. I mean, it still exists, somewhere. Those feelings, once written, are solid entities, and they live on like, I don't know, the Rosetta Stone (are the comma's excessive in this sentence?). Not to say that my writing is likely to change the face of historical research and translation. I'm not opening any doors to the once hidden past. But my piece of paper that I throw away doesn't disappear. It gets taken to some landfill somewhere, and sits there. How long will it take for the paper to break down? Weeks? Months? Years? This shows you how little I know of science. When I delete something on the internet, it's gone. I cannot retrieve it. There isn't this waiting period for it to disappear from existence.

So I wrote all these sad sad words on my blog, and then I deleted them, and I wished I could delete the feelings too. I'm having a difficult time right now. I'm sad, and I'm trying not to be sad. I'm starting to wonder if this is all there is: Trying to fill voids with love and companionship, trying to achieve my dreams, and being terribly disappointed in myself and feeling totally alone. I'm not who I thought I would be, but I guess no one is. On top of everything, I keep unintentionally adding reasons to be sad to my list of reasons to be sad, and I don't need any more reasons to be sad. I mean...it's supposed to rain the next five days. So, what do I do? I type a little note and send it out into the abyss of the internets. There, it can live for as long as I (or some webmaster) choose for it to live. And then one day, I might push a button, and it will go away. Or, I might not. Maybe I'll keep it around for me. As a reminder. If I ever get to that "other side" I keep thinking is coming.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

"This too shall pass"

Vanessa said...

in the next five days, one day, we can eat Indian, and then play, or go to the zoo in the rain. or both.

TerryB said...

I, too, wonder where it all goes. Do these things in cyberspace even pass the test of "realness"? Your thoughts are real, I know that much. I really like your blog. And, you did a great job today.

Nancy Caroline said...

Thanks Terry! Sometimes I ramble. Well, I actually ramble a lot. This is why blogging works for me. It's permissible rambling.

Vanessa, YES! and also YES!, so, probably, YES!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to throw in a little reminder that you are an impressive person for getting up and going out into the world and trying every day. I hope that you wound up enjoying the rain after all.

Apryl

chrishaley said...

Well, I hear that Steve Jobs is working on that iPerson program where we just hook it up to ourselves and then all of our stuff can be controlled with the clickwheel and everything will be delete-able.

But then we're back to that whole Eternal Sunshine question of do our memories make us who we are... well, do they?

diana said...

like, totally, yeah.