Thursday, December 4, 2008

If Anyone Out There is Still Listening

It's been a long time. Like a fool, I went and let the semester get the best of me. I buried myself under piles and piles of busy-ness and left no time for my soul, which requires a great deal of self reflection and friend time.

On the one hand, I have found a great outlet for service by focusing a good deal of my energy on trying to help my international students get acquainted with their new temporary "home." It comes from feeling so desperately alone in the middle of gigantic London. Not because Liam was an asshole,he wasn't, but because no one understood the cultural shock/stress I was experiencing. I have found great joy this semester in trying to introduce my students to different social aspects of Memphis. I got tired of hearing so many of them complaining about how boring it is. Yes, Memphis can be terribly boring, but it really just forces you to develop strong ties with friends and to lean on each other for entertainment. And if you don't have a car, it forces you to walk...a lot. Don't worry. I'm going to be hitting some of them up for payment soon...aka: teaching me a new language. I've already convinced a number of them to cook for me. WOO HOO!!

On the other hand, I have lost a great deal of the gravity that I was experiencing throughout the beginning of the semester. There have been moments where I've touched down and moments in which I have been floating aimlessly trying to grab onto what I thought I had figured out...make sense? I think teaching five classes and taking two online courses is a bit of an over-reach. I'm not sure what I was trying to prove at the beginning of the semester. I'm over that now.

Getting caught up in a new relationship has been challenging and enlightening. I find myself hyper aware of all the things I do...all the every relationship to basically self-destruct what's happening. It's kind of fantastic. I get to catch myself early on and begin to explore ways around it. I have recently discovered my own horrific obsession with fatalism. I have this insane propensity to want to be miserable because it often makes more sense than being happy. I like to blame other people for that, but it's pretty much my problem. I gotta work on it. Luckily I'm hanging out with a pretty understanding guy. I feel a bit liberated from my past need to cling. I feel encouraged to let go.

Next semester I am only taking on what I know I can handle, and I am assigning fewer papers for my 1020 classes. I think I'm also going to have them submit the papers online from now on. I like commenting on the computer. It's not fair to make them keep trying to figure out my handwriting. Also, I keep losing my pens.

So. It's almost time for me to not get paid for a while, which means: 1. I will have a lot more time to ramble on and on about my thoughts and feelings on this blog. 2. I will have a lot more time to clean and, hopefully, find my lost text book. 3. I will have a lot less money. 4. Someone may have to buy my drinks when I go out. See you all soon. I'm excited


chrishaley said...

One of the best sentences of pure, unadulterated truth I have ever heard is as follows : If you're bored, you're boring.

Glad you'll have more time to talk about things on the internet soon.
I know the money situation is.. less good, but I think you've got a pretty good support system around you to make sure you don't starve or anything, so I have full faith that you will make it.

Vanessa said...

glad to have you back ; )

diana said...

so what's up with that dinner date?

Nancy Caroline said...

There's a stomach bug going around, and I think I MIGHT be getting it either this evening or tomorrow morning...but if I make it without coming down with it...when are you free?