I have been miss-stepping since I woke up this morning. It has been grand. I left my phone in Fargo's car last night, and had to use my actual alarm clock to wake up this morning, only I didn't hear it because I had my earplugs in and I was huddled on the far side of the bed. I woke up thirty minutes later thanks to Diana's alarm going off. It was raining when I woke up. I then promised to bring McDonald's to Fargo for holding onto my phone during her all-nighter in the Smith computer lab. But I missed breakfast. It was raining when I pulled angrily out of the drive through.
I picked up my phone and headed to the book store with the intention of reading the chapter I needed to in the book I've lost before doing the assignment that was due yesterday. However, the bookstore had blocked off the actual books section, and I could not read the book. I walked back to Patterson in the rain (I had an umbrella, but I was still wet when I got to my office).
I then began to look at the work I had cut out for me in this finals week. My students came in occasionally to turn in their final papers. They were all soaked from the rain. I began to feel a little hopeless about my assignments, but that hopelessness began to diminish when I began to slowly and methodically knock out small pieces of the work.
I then walked to my listening and speaking class in the rain. Talking to my international students was refreshing, and I'm very excited about their presentations on Thursday. I should have prepared them more for it, but I'm learning. I've got some fantastic ideas for a really unified curriculum for next session. I might work on it over the break. I'll probably work on it over the break.
It's still raining. I'm cutting deeper into my work, but that doesn't mean I still don't want to do it. I still don't want to do it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of deadlines, but I guess I should get over that for, you know, life.
I cracked and bought some starbucks today. I now have the shakes. And it's still raining.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
If Anyone Out There is Still Listening
It's been a long time. Like a fool, I went and let the semester get the best of me. I buried myself under piles and piles of busy-ness and left no time for my soul, which requires a great deal of self reflection and friend time.
On the one hand, I have found a great outlet for service by focusing a good deal of my energy on trying to help my international students get acquainted with their new temporary "home." It comes from feeling so desperately alone in the middle of gigantic London. Not because Liam was an asshole,he wasn't, but because no one understood the cultural shock/stress I was experiencing. I have found great joy this semester in trying to introduce my students to different social aspects of Memphis. I got tired of hearing so many of them complaining about how boring it is. Yes, Memphis can be terribly boring, but it really just forces you to develop strong ties with friends and to lean on each other for entertainment. And if you don't have a car, it forces you to walk...a lot. Don't worry. I'm going to be hitting some of them up for payment soon...aka: teaching me a new language. I've already convinced a number of them to cook for me. WOO HOO!!
On the other hand, I have lost a great deal of the gravity that I was experiencing throughout the beginning of the semester. There have been moments where I've touched down and moments in which I have been floating aimlessly trying to grab onto what I thought I had figured out...make sense? I think teaching five classes and taking two online courses is a bit of an over-reach. I'm not sure what I was trying to prove at the beginning of the semester. I'm over that now.
Getting caught up in a new relationship has been challenging and enlightening. I find myself hyper aware of all the things I do...all the time...in every relationship to basically self-destruct what's happening. It's kind of fantastic. I get to catch myself early on and begin to explore ways around it. I have recently discovered my own horrific obsession with fatalism. I have this insane propensity to want to be miserable because it often makes more sense than being happy. I like to blame other people for that, but it's pretty much my problem. I gotta work on it. Luckily I'm hanging out with a pretty understanding guy. I feel a bit liberated from my past need to cling. I feel encouraged to let go.
Next semester I am only taking on what I know I can handle, and I am assigning fewer papers for my 1020 classes. I think I'm also going to have them submit the papers online from now on. I like commenting on the computer. It's not fair to make them keep trying to figure out my handwriting. Also, I keep losing my pens.
So. It's almost time for me to not get paid for a while, which means: 1. I will have a lot more time to ramble on and on about my thoughts and feelings on this blog. 2. I will have a lot more time to clean and, hopefully, find my lost text book. 3. I will have a lot less money. 4. Someone may have to buy my drinks when I go out. See you all soon. I'm excited
On the one hand, I have found a great outlet for service by focusing a good deal of my energy on trying to help my international students get acquainted with their new temporary "home." It comes from feeling so desperately alone in the middle of gigantic London. Not because Liam was an asshole,he wasn't, but because no one understood the cultural shock/stress I was experiencing. I have found great joy this semester in trying to introduce my students to different social aspects of Memphis. I got tired of hearing so many of them complaining about how boring it is. Yes, Memphis can be terribly boring, but it really just forces you to develop strong ties with friends and to lean on each other for entertainment. And if you don't have a car, it forces you to walk...a lot. Don't worry. I'm going to be hitting some of them up for payment soon...aka: teaching me a new language. I've already convinced a number of them to cook for me. WOO HOO!!
On the other hand, I have lost a great deal of the gravity that I was experiencing throughout the beginning of the semester. There have been moments where I've touched down and moments in which I have been floating aimlessly trying to grab onto what I thought I had figured out...make sense? I think teaching five classes and taking two online courses is a bit of an over-reach. I'm not sure what I was trying to prove at the beginning of the semester. I'm over that now.
Getting caught up in a new relationship has been challenging and enlightening. I find myself hyper aware of all the things I do...all the time...in every relationship to basically self-destruct what's happening. It's kind of fantastic. I get to catch myself early on and begin to explore ways around it. I have recently discovered my own horrific obsession with fatalism. I have this insane propensity to want to be miserable because it often makes more sense than being happy. I like to blame other people for that, but it's pretty much my problem. I gotta work on it. Luckily I'm hanging out with a pretty understanding guy. I feel a bit liberated from my past need to cling. I feel encouraged to let go.
Next semester I am only taking on what I know I can handle, and I am assigning fewer papers for my 1020 classes. I think I'm also going to have them submit the papers online from now on. I like commenting on the computer. It's not fair to make them keep trying to figure out my handwriting. Also, I keep losing my pens.
So. It's almost time for me to not get paid for a while, which means: 1. I will have a lot more time to ramble on and on about my thoughts and feelings on this blog. 2. I will have a lot more time to clean and, hopefully, find my lost text book. 3. I will have a lot less money. 4. Someone may have to buy my drinks when I go out. See you all soon. I'm excited
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