Tuesday, June 10, 2008

hind sight

I think the hardest thing to get past during this process of eliminating my sorrow/anger/confusion/disillusion would be waking up every morning. Every morning I wake up...and it's hard anyway...but the first thing I think...my waking thought is a reminder that I am no longer with Liam. I don't know why it was easier to get up in the morning when I knew I had him...when he was in my life...in a future kind of way.

I was so tired during class this morning. I had to apologize about a million times for yawning. At one point during a group activity, I drifted off and had this realization: From the moment I knew that Liam liked me...I immediately began to project all these...I don't know...hopes....for us. It wasn't as bad until after he told me he loved me...and then I just built this gigantic dream all around him and me...all around us, and I expected it to be that...I trusted it to be this thing I had created...or imagined it could and should be. I made him into this superhero....that was better than me....and I never felt like I could live up to it...be good enough for it...this image I had created. When I got lost, I think that's where I went. I suppose that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. I suppose it's a bit exhausting. It was exhausting for me too. I think if I apologize for anything...it's that. I'm sure it was a burden on the relationship. If I could go back and change something, I wouldn't need him so much....or think I needed him. I would have kept my head about me. I wish I could go back...right now...I wish I could do things differently...erase the bad and the difficult. But I can't. And that makes me sad. I teared up just a little in class...but I choked it back. And kept going. as tired as I was.

I would like to think that it wasn't my fault. I would like to think that I don't have the uncanny ability to destroy my relationships. It is too late to think of all I did wrong. I hope he knew, at least, how much I loved and appreciated him...all the time...even when I didn't show it.


sunshine award winner said...

He knew. He had to. And you have to know he knew. Hind sight . . .

Vanessa said...


I saw Lynn, and we discussed a slumber party.

Juniperrr said...

It is not all your fault. Why would it be? Because you didn't always do and say everything the right way? That's the whole thing about relationships- it's not about never fucking up. It's about how well people can work together to handle the fuck ups.

So, even if you're the only one in the relationship who ever did anything wrong (and that's impossible), but even if you were... then part would still be his fault for failing to work through it with you. I mean , that's what real love is, isn't it? A sort of "deal" that you're going to be there even when problems come up (since they inevitably will)?

I mean, you're sitting there worrying, "Will I ever be good for a relationship?" HE SHOULD BE WONDERING THE SAME! What good is he for a relationship, if he holds back or fails to work through issues?

I don't know him that well, and I don't mean to accuse. These are just general ideas coming to mind about relationships.

I don't believe one's personal flaws alone are enough to destroy a relationship. There are multiple factors and subfactors coming into a relationship from all angles that affect how things unfold.

But because that's all too difficult (if not impossible) to dissect and explain, and because we have to do something with all that anger, we reach for the nearest, simplest thing to blame. Ourselves. The other person. But there is really no one thing to pinpoint that bears the entire burden.