hind sight

I think the hardest thing to get past during this process of eliminating my sorrow/anger/confusion/disillusion would be waking up every morning. Every morning I wake up...and it's hard anyway...but the first thing I think...my waking thought is a reminder that I am no longer with Liam. I don't know why it was easier to get up in the morning when I knew I had him...when he was in my life...in a future kind of way.

I was so tired during class this morning. I had to apologize about a million times for yawning. At one point during a group activity, I drifted off and had this realization: From the moment I knew that Liam liked me...I immediately began to project all these...I don't know...hopes....for us. It wasn't as bad until after he told me he loved me...and then I just built this gigantic dream all around him and me...all around us, and I expected it to be that...I trusted it to be this thing I had created...or imagined it could and should be. I made him into this superhero....that was better than me....and I never felt like I could live up to it...be good enough for it...this image I had created. When I got lost, I think that's where I went. I suppose that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. I suppose it's a bit exhausting. It was exhausting for me too. I think if I apologize for anything...it's that. I'm sure it was a burden on the relationship. If I could go back and change something, I wouldn't need him so much....or think I needed him. I would have kept my head about me. I wish I could go back...right now...I wish I could do things differently...erase the bad and the difficult. But I can't. And that makes me sad. I teared up just a little in class...but I choked it back. And kept going. as tired as I was.

I would like to think that it wasn't my fault. I would like to think that I don't have the uncanny ability to destroy my relationships. It is too late to think of all I did wrong. I hope he knew, at least, how much I loved and appreciated him...all the time...even when I didn't show it.