Tuesday, July 29, 2008


I hate writing a new blog after a particularly well received blog post. I feel sometimes that I might crumble under the pressure. However, I was reminded yesterday, that some people are interested in keeping up with my moods. SO....here you go:

My first full day off work was a bust. I suppose. I sat on the couch in the living room for about five hours arranging my music library and watching Sportsnight. I also ate some soggy leftovers and a bag of microwave popcorn. Enough happened to make me realize that this sucks. I've got to get out. I know, I should volunteer! Or I might go to Chicago. ;)

Having nothing to do reminds me of all the crap still stuck in my brain. In other words: it depresses me. The silence...even the lack of silence...through the long hours of nothingness, screams in my ears, and all those memories and pictures of days past come flooding back. So, I did what any sane person would do. I stopped trying fight it, and I just looked at the pictures I had loaded on my computer. I wish I had taken more pictures. I mean, of the normal every day things. I wish I had more pictures of me on the tube, or just people on the tube. I wish I had taken more pictures of all the little English houses, carbon copies of each other, little chimneys sprouting out of the roofs, stretched out across the horizon. However, I spent most of the time with my gloved hands tucked deep into the pockets of my coat.

I am entering into a new phase of this whole business. The miserable ache is gone. I'm now left with a faint, very faint, hint of the pain that was drowning me. It doesn't feel final though. It feels in be-tween, however. I don't know why. Just...like a shifting...nothing final. I was thinking about the pain, you know, the blinding pain part, and I actually kind of missed it. It seemed to have a little more direction than this...a greater purpose. I'm sure there's purpose in the transitions. I'm positive. It's just not as much...fun.


Anonymous said...

Remember free days? http://memphis.about.com/od/thingstoseeanddo/tp/dealsandsteals.htm

I also love this list of free things to do in Memphis from the Memphis Deaf Community website: http://memphisdeafcommunity.org/free_memphis_tours.htm. Note how three of the activities involve visiting a place where people are buried.

Good luck with making yourself get out! And if you do, share your tips for finding that motivation with me.


chrishaley said...

Sometimes it seems like when things are at their more extreme levels they are easier to deal with.. or if not deal with, focus on.. I had a thought I was going with here, but this medicine I took is making it hard to concentrate. I'm just going to consider this comment a wash.

Just remember, no matter what happens, it could be worse.. someone (me) could start singing that Firefly theme song.