I've been in most of the day. I don't have all the money in world, so I can't go out all the time. I have also discovered that I have a job that requires me to put in time outside of the classroom. This leads to the topic of my blog: being lonely.
My last two breakups were very different from this breakup. Once I got through the miserable, I can't wake up without hurting parts, I was good to go. Enjoying life with my friends, having a grand old time. It's different now. I'm not waiting tables...which is good...grand even. I'm actually doing something I like...but when I was waiting tables, I was with my friends at night...working, and not working. Now I'm home...working (and making a lame job of it)...alone. Now I can't go out every night. Those days are pretty much over...and yeah, they had to end. A) it's not good for me, and B)it's expensive...and also C)I have actual responsibilities now. But, I'm LONELY. I just returned from a 6 month stint in another country...and yeah...sometimes I got lonely....but I was lonely less often than I wasn't lonely.
Now it feels like I have too much time to myself. I can't get the balance. I just think when I'm alone. I think, and I get sad...and I get scared...and I get frustrated. Is this my life? Is this the way my life will be? Will I have to come to terms with my loneliness? I suppose I will. I feel so hopeless sometimes. So....I don't know...destined for blahdom. I mean...not blah...success...but the kind of success and satisfaction that comes from being content with the pangs of things you lost along the way...forever. Kind of like how Jane Austen is depicted as feeling when reading one of her stories at the end of that Becoming Jane movie...which...wasn't fantastic...but it wasn't totally terrible. But, at the end...she and the guy both...had to give these silent shots in which they expressed acceptance of the lives they were forced into. God, will that be me? I mean...I know there's no answer...but it's terrifying. I NEVER wanted to go back to being single once I met Liam. I mean...I spent my single years not wanting to be single...I had fun...I had a lot of fun...but...okay, there were times when I was really happy. But there was always this hope, that just around the corner there was someone to share it all with. And well...I just don't think that's a given any more. Not everyone finds someone to share it with. Not everyone joins the world of couple-dom. I may not find anyone to share it with. It may just be me. The world made me think it was supposed to be a certain way...but it didn't make any promises. No one ever made me any promises.
I've realized that it's this fear that makes me bury myself in an almost entirely one-sided relationship. It's this fear that makes me sell all my stuff and move to England to be with a guy that could NEVER offer me the same level of sacrifice (granted...it was a huge level...but I felt like he was worth that...I just don't know if I felt that I was). And well...in the end...he just wasn't good enough. I asked a lot...yeah...and I don't think I'll ever be asking that much of myself or anyone else again...but he couldn't make ANY compromises. He didn't think he should have to. So. Maybe I don't know anything. Maybe I'm just flailing around trying to fit all the wrong puzzle pieces together...and all I get is a pile of sloppy puzzle pieces. I don't know where I'm trying to take that metaphor. Any ideas?