Monday, June 2, 2008

When The Crying Stops

So...it's been three days since I last cried. I bet you're wondering, "when you're not crying, what on EARTH do you do with your time?!" And the truth is, nothing much really. I take a while to get out of bed. I take a while to decide what to eat. I take a while to get dressed. I take a while to decide to do the next thing. Everything moves in slow motion, rather than being at a complete standstill. I sometimes wonder if I've found some way to suppress my true feelings and fool myself into being somewhat content. I don't know. I'm not destitute, by any means. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm confident that it will continue to get bigger, the closer I get to it.

I am haunted by the past...still. I have these moments of terrible sadness. Not violent, or dramatic, just very quiet, slow sadness. I still wish he would change his mind, and try to find a way back into my life, but I do not expect it...in any way. Life is rarely ever magical unless it's because of something I've worked for...and then it's not really magical...is it? I feel awkward in many social situations. I want to talk about it all the time, and then sometimes I never want to talk about it again. Today in the middle of my first class (which I TOTALLY improvised because I planned for the wrong class)...I wanted to talk all about it. It reminded me of how open I was with all my students in the fall about my future plans and my "boyfriend" and how I was so excited. They were excited for me. Luckily, the part of my brain that is managing to move forward through the mess held me back from teaching a terrible lesson about heartbreak, rather than writing in English.

I still believe, after everything...and it certainly wasn't as much as it could have been...in love. I know it is out there...probably in the very distant future...but it is out there again...waiting for me to be completely unprepared for it. It is also here...with me...beside me...and all around me. So...

5 comments:

april said...

i had a lot of fun with you two on friday. we should do it again sometime! and just so you know, i didn't pick up on any social awkwardness other than my own.

Vanessa said...

*kiss*

I wish that is all it would take to make things better.

Juniperrr said...

improvising in the classroom always used to stress me out. but now i can wing it, if i have to. it rarely all goes down according to plan anyway no matter how diligently we plot and outline.

now if i could only continue to relax more about "life" improv.

diana said...

it's been 4 days since you blogged. ordinarily I'd bitch, but I like the fact that you are distracted. and by distracted, I mean getting to do stuff you like now.

Anonymous said...

I also noticed on my RSS feed that you haven't blogged in a few days, Caroline. So I came here to say that I hope you have been too busy to blog because you have been making plans and enjoying yourself. I'm glad that Diana confirmed the reason for the lack of blogging.

Apryl