Friday, May 30, 2008

Revisiting

I googled 'the stages of grief' today...after spending the entire day in my underwear. I woke up at 8:30 and promptly went back to sleep until 10:30 and then i roamed around the house, cried, watched tv, cried, checked my email, cried, reset my preferences on my facebook, cried, and pretty much had a full day. I'm not quite sure if I'm in denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance...well...definitely not in acceptance stage. I got to the point today where I felt comfort feeling tears stream down the side of my face...it was like someone gently caressing my cheek. someone with a thin, warm, wet touch.

I often wonder if there is something terribly wrong with me.

I then...despite my better judgement (i've said that often lately, have i not?) began to reread emails between him and me (he and i?)....and emails between me and diana, and between me and the general public...before he and i were an item. we talked candidly, intelligently, openly, and honestly. It was ridiculous. Ridiculous how we started...how our conversations began...and how our connection looked in the end. I have always operated with the belief that most relationships are salvageable as long as both parties are willing to go back and revisit when and why they fell in love. It is so clear to me why that is...and it is so clear to me that we parted as completely different people. I came across in these emails as exactly how I've always wanted to come across to a guy...smart, well read, funny, adventurous, confident. He came across...surely as he wanted to...smart, funny, charming, strong, totally interested. WHERE DID THAT GO?! MY GOD?! I suppose we fell victim to our circumstances...and I fell victim to my own insecurities....he possibly did too...but neither of us recognized that...well...I think I did...and I tried to talk about it a lot...cause I think girls do stuff like that. I just wanted help, I guess...I recognized the weakness in me and I wanted him to help me up...but he didn't...maybe i didn't recognize the weakness in him...or maybe i did, and the weakness in me was just too weak to do anything about it.

WHERE DID THAT GIRL GO? the girl that made a decision and ran with it. the girl that tumbled into dark holes and crawled back out...saw the world by herself...was ready for anything. I am a twisted ball of disillusion. The shitty shitty part is that I actually have to wait before I can get back to that...I have to deal with this rebuilding before I can get back to that...and THAT...will eventually come upon me without my even realizing it. Hell, I can't even rebuild right now I'm so damn miserable. Next time I fall in love, I hope it's with someone that doesn't ever let me forget that girl. I hope it's also with someone that is in it like I'm in it. To work. The fruit of our labor will be glorious.

I referred to that summer as the best summer of my life. the summer I met him. I was open to any and all possibilities. I was brave. I was a kid in a freakin' candy store...yeah...I got down about having a hard time meeting the right guy...but I still had a hell of a lot of fun. And I had this correspondence with this guy that I knew was totally into me...but I didn't have to make any decisions about it...I just got to enjoy knowing that this guy...that was so super cool was totally into me. It was slow enough for me to show him who I wanted him to see...but it wasn't slow enough for him to see who I was all around....in and out...up and down...same for him. I eventually, as he did, found out things about him that I wasn't crazy about...things that irritated me...things that concerned me....BUT...at least I was strong enough to keep loving him, if not strong enough to let go when it was time to let go...at least I gave him what I promised...unconditional love. I don't know who comes out on top in this situation. I am still convinced that if he were really strong...he would want to go back WITH me and remember why we fell in love...and we could try to challenge each other to be the strong people we know we are. I just don't know who comes out on top in the reality of it all. No one? I mean...I can't even admit what he was able to admit, that he isn't ready. Because I would like to believe that I'm smart enough to not fall in love with a guy that isn't ready. because the guy that I saw that summer, in our correspondence, was totally ready...was looking for me, and I for him.

He told me he wanted things to be easy. I have given up on easy. I gave up on it a long time ago. Perhaps that puts me in the lead. The fact that I accept the reality of adulthood....except right now...when all I want to do is sit in bed and cry. which probably puts me a few points behind. not that this is actually a race...or a contest. not that it ever was.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't really think of anything to say that might help. And a picture is supposed to be worth 1000 words. So here are some pictures (with words to describe the who, what, where, and when) to remind you that the adventurous Caroline isn't gone: http://haydenandapryl.com/adventurous-caroline/adventurous-caroline-images.html

Apryl

Anonymous said...

Okay. I'm not sure if the entire link is visible in your browser, so here.

http://haydenandapryl.com/
adventurous-caroline/
adventurous-caroline-images.html


Apryl

Vanessa said...

Well, you seem to see that he simply wasn't/isn't ready... and that it is no fault of his for being young and ill-prepared--and it is FOR SURE no fault of yours for falling in love.

diana said...

I know you said it towards the end of this post. but let me reiterate. it is not a contest. it is a life. it is YOUR life, not his, not anyone else's but yours. you take as much time as you need to build it, you can build it as big as you want, and even then, you will still have room to add on, still have time to move forward. likewise for everyone else. we are builders, not competitors, and your future with or without someone should not hang on the possibility of losing. which you know, because that is how you usually live, acting, risking, living without overthinking it. it is beautiful, and will be again sooner than you can imagine. you are already making plans, caroline! don't you see it? don't you see these opportunities to move forward that you've already begun creating for yourself? this crutch, this man you keep talking about, either liam or some future man, he's not there for what you think you need. your life is rich, and there are people everywhere that want to celebrate your successes. look around, dear. we don't all convene here to take pity on you. we come here because we love to read about the great adventures of caroline allen. we come here because we think you're funny. we come here because you are smart and sassy. we come here because you don't let fear cripple you. we come here because you are inspirational. we come here and read and say, "that caroline allen. she's LIVING." also, "what a great pair of boobs." (sorry, marcy)

Nancy Caroline said...

it's okay...my mom doesn't have access to the blog right now because i have the internet (DSL??!!) plugged into my laptop...which I keep on my bed...the path to which is strewn with a giant suitcase, books, and lots and lots of clothes. When I move out...she'll be able to read it again. and she'll have a lot to catch up on.