Monday, May 19, 2008

Angry Sad

I've been spiraling into a gigantic hole of being sick since I stepped off the plane in Atlanta. That tickle in my throat started on Thursday morning, and has been teasing me ever since. I thought I'd stand up to it by going out Saturday night after loads of rest...but I did not triumph in the end. All day Sunday was spent coming to terms with the fact that I was getting sick, and there wasn't anything I could do about it but shut up and sit down. And by 'shut up' I actually mean that I cannot speak. I do not have a voice.

You know why this sucks? I mean, generally being sick sucks...but I've been stuck in this position of not being able to go forward for the past three weeks now. I've been crying for three weeks. I've cried a lot less recently, but I've still been crying for three weeks. Being sick does not make me more hopeful about the future. Being sick makes me miserable. I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down.

I cried last night, uncontrollably...again. I want my life back, for God's sake. I mean...I gave it up for another...and I just want it back, but I can't just get it back. I have to rebuild it. I call these people that let me down the idiots...but maybe I'm the actual idiot. I mean...they don't give anything away, and I give it all when things end...they've got nothing to rebuild, and I've got everything to rebuild. I don't have a job. I don't have my own place. I don't have my health. I want control of my life back. And really...I just want someone to actually fucking love me. I'm sick of being blind to the fact that I'm with someone that is afraid of taking it to the next level...afraid of taking a step out into the great unknown. Afraid of letting it be what it could be. Am I too much of an idealist? Is it too much to believe that some things are worth working for...some things are worth sacrificing for. When will I be worth sacrificing for? I wrong about all that?

In these times...when I finally stop crying...I don't feel better. The cries aren't those cries where it's really all you needed...they're just cries...and when they're over...I'm still in the same place. I stop crying because, if I didn't, I never would...and I would drown in my misery. I stop crying because some day it will get better. I was told by someone recently that I would be surprised at how quickly I would begin to feel better. I was told this by someone who has never actually suffered any real pain. Those that understand real...actual pain...tell me what I hate to hear, and what I know is true...that I have to be here. That it may seem like it's going to last forever...but it WILL end...and I WILL get through it. And I won't think to myself, in the end, "gee...I'm so surprised at how quick that happened." I imagine, and I know, that I'll be exhausted. That I'll be free...but I'll be exhausted from the journey. I'll be sore from the strain and bruised from the falls...What I KNOW that this person doesn't that...when it ends...I'll be different. I'll be stronger. I'll be better. It doesn't happen fast. It never happens fast, but it happens. Trusting is the hardest part.


Anonymous said...

I hope that you recover quickly from being sick, which really does make everything else feel worse.

Sometimes lately, I've thought about the book The Giving Tree. I disagree with the way the moral was presented to me as a child: it's good to keep giving and giving and not caring what you get in return. Giving until you're broken doesn't really help the other person or yourself. But it's hard to figure out what should be given and what should be kept.

A realistic surprise that I hope you get soon is one of those moments when you realize that for a couple of hours, you haven't noticed the ache very much because you've been so busy laughing. I'm glad that you've got plenty of good friends around to help you with that.


diana said...

I think I learned different lessons from the giving tree. I learned that people give you things that you may not necessarily recognize and appreciate right away. I learned that you don't necessarily need the same things all the time. and I learned that you will always have something to offer, no matter how stripped or worn down you may feel or appear, and somewhere is the right person to accept and love the things you have.