Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Ball of Mess

Today finds me at the bottom again...climbing up the mounting and sliding back down, clawing at the mud all the way. I feel and look like a zombie. I cried like a baby in front of Liam. I cried so much my face began to sting from the salt in my tears. Any chance I had of looking like a super-hero...totally blown. I look like a ball of mess.

On a lighter note, I 'epilated' my legs today. That's right. I used a little machine that supposedly rips the hairs out at the root, and let me tell was pure fun...and by fun, I mean...insanely painful. One of the girls at work told me about it when we were chatting about waxing. I challenged her to bring her Epilator, and I would epilate at lunch. First have to make your hair shorter before yanking it out at the roots. SO...I used some scissors. Did ya hear that folks? I trimmed my leg hairs with scissors. Now I can make this joke: Why am I still single?!! Then came the fun. I turn on this contraption that pretty much looks like the mouth of that big sand monster pit thing at the beginning of Return of the Jedi, and it's rotating and making this delightful noise...and then I place it on my legs...and it begins to pull the hairs by the root. All the nursery nurses watched in awe. When someone asked, "what's it like," I felt that saying it hurt wasn't quite good enough. It was like a deep tingle...that starts small...and spreads up all the way into your throat...and it was cold...and horrific...and the worst part about that you get used to it. You start to get used to this gargantuan level of pain..until you just continually inflict it upon pursuit of smoother legs. It took me about 45 minutes total....but I took a break at one it took me more like 2 hours. It also made me sweat...a lot. But I did not cry. No sir...not till I got home...and then I cried like a freaking baby. I cried until I couldn't move. I cried away any chance of Liam ever wanting me back. I cried away any chance of ever being able to take him back...because what kind of guy goes back to a girl that sobs like that?


vylica.8 said...

i just tuned in. as i read all these, i was flooded with many painful memories. i, too, have cried quietly in the bathroom at work. i know what it's like to be discarded and forgotten. to be betrayed by someone you allowed yourself to believe was home.

i do think it's a plus, like you mentioned, that Liam did not make you a bunch of vacant promises. i've been deceived before and then surprise-attacked by a coward, as have you, if i'm not mistaken. that's worse.

but you might take SOME comfort in my reinforcing the fact that these heart-wrenching times i'm remembering... they don't pack half the punch they used to. now it's more like a slight twinge of regret that will very soon dissipate. but maybe you will have more closure than i did and won't carry much regret. the fact that you're thinking of visiting once a year makes me think you're more evolved than lots of other wounded soldiers i know.

i can almost guarantee you will have the guts to move again, wherever and whenever you decide. i mean, you packed up and moved to LONDON, for crying out loud! if you can do that, you can do anything.

ugh. it's hard. try not to forget the light at the end of the ball of mess. you've got so much going for you. you will find your way and keep on movin'! hopefully, you'll be able to move sooner than later, too, cause.. Liam in your face all the time doesn't seem to be helping much.

you are allowing yourself to feel the pain, and really, you shouldn't beat yourself up so much about that. is it more rational to hide it? to sweep it under the rug, until it takes over from underneath? or is it healthier to feel it now, when the time is right to feel it. ? when it's natural to feel it?

i know you fear the same ol' mistakes down the road, and so do i. progress can be slow, but i really see a change in you this time, as opposed to past heartbreaks. it may be subtle, but you do seem stronger and seem to have things in a healthier perspective.

thinking of you. love always.

diana said...

I know how you feel. like your throat will close off and your eyes swell shut and your cheeks feel like they've been in a sandstorm. you start that hiccupped breathing, the hint of insanity or regression and the temptation to give in to it because you are so damn tired and can't stop. I felt exactly this way when I called you last summer. I called you because it was too much and I felt like I couldn't possibly feel it anymore, while simultaneously feeling like I would never feel any other way. I felt so unlike myself, I really thought I was going crazy. I thought that might finally be the day I would check out mentally. and then I talked to you, and you told me that it would pass if I could just wait just a little bit longer. that all the things ripped apart and thrown about by the tornado that had just ransacked my life had to land some time.

the tears won't be forever. they don't define you, caroline. you feel deeply, and I love you for it.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I didn't realize that they still made those torture devices, Epilady/lators.

I have a question: what kind of a guy would you want to be with that can't handle and help you through pain? Go ahead and release those things so that tomorrow you might feel less like a ball of mess and more like the ball of beauty and potential that you are. And when you're sobbing, try to find something--a song, memory, goofy friend that you'll see soon, something--to make you laugh a little bit. To paraphrase Truvy in Steel Magnolias, laughter through tears can be a wonderful emotion. (Yes, I just referenced Steel Magnolias; next time, it might be Fried Green Tomatoes.)