I think I'm done with London for now. I still have two and a half days...but I'm done now. I'm an outsider...as much as I tried to be an insider...I was always living in someone else's house, using someone else's things, hanging out with someone else's friends.
Liam and I went to Brighton yesterday, and it was lovely. The best part about it was that it made me want to be back in Midtown more than anything. I KNOW I'm in England and doing all these things that a lot of people never get to do...and that's great, and I'm grateful, but it's been nearly six months...and, the truth is...England never really had that much faith in me. I've always been an American trying to fit into an English lifestyle. I've always been a bit of a sore thumb. I recall a moment a few weeks ago when I was joking with Liam's friends about someone commenting to me that I had to admit that America didn't have all that much culture. I recounted this moment in my 'isn't that crazy' voice, and I was met with blank stares. I was expecting similar 'that is ridiculous' laughs in response...but there was only silence and blank stares. I'm in a sea of smugness. I have never encountered more talk of 'openmindedness' without a single shred of action to match the words. Don't get me wrong...I know MANY Americans with this same 'i don't get your point' attitude, but people here pretend like those Americans are stupid...when really, they're all in the same damn club.
I opened my mind. I moved my body and my soul to this place. I tried to fit in. I'm not saying I was stellar at it. I wasn't. I complained a great deal, and my body struggled to adjust to its new mold. I ran into many walls and fell on my behind many times. I didn't wish any ill will on anyone in this...I've never felt like other countries were stupid and behind the times. But my mind is changing. People that sit in their own stymied pile of self-satisfaction are behind the times. I do it sometimes...and being snapped into reality can be very embarrassing, but I'm not saying I'm not open to it...or not aware of the fact that it needs to and will happen many times in my life.
Six months isn't really long enough to make a house a home. I feel like it was my trial period. I feel like that is what was expected of me. I sometimes feel like a failure until I remind myself that I was only here for six months. I lived in Memphis for over 18 years before I really felt like it was my true home. Life doesn't move as fast as some people would like it to. Love doesn't fit into the packaging that one might expect. I gave it. Perhaps my package was wrapped in old newspapers and filled with a lot of things he didn't want, but I gave it to him...and underneath it all there was love...and I ran out of time. I didn't move fast enough. I didn't fit into the mold right away. It was hard...but I always had faith. Oh ye of little faith. Little faith in me.