I did get out of bed yesterday. Liam and I (I have no one else to hang out with) went to eat an English breakfast and then explore the Portabello Road Market. I bought some olives and a coke at the market...REAL adventurous. After about ten minutes of walking past all the happy couples wishing I had my girlfriends to keep me focused on the fact that there is joy without boy, I told Liam that I didn't want to walk anymore. So we found a place on one of the ritzy Notting Hill residential streets to sit down and eat my olives and drink my coke...which, actually, he bought...the coke.
Somewhere after the eighth olive...I asked Liam why he didn't want me in his life...I like asking him millions of hard questions now...because I don't have to worry about whether they will freak him out...I don't CARE. I live in MISERY. He can be uncomfortable. After his usual sounds of discomfort...the statement, 'it feels like all or nothing with you' and my comment that it might not be so bad to see him every once in a while...he told me we should see each other once a year...and I told him being a Phd student was going to limit my tourism trips to expensive London..so he actually agreed to come see me once a year. Then I sat and ate some more olives...and after eating a small bit of the really strong pickled garlic clove, I decided to be happy for a little while.
I've been trying to work out how to keep from adding another person to my life that existed, but now exists...in my reality...no more. Because Clay is no longer in my life...I often wonder about him...he doesn't truly exist for me beyond my memory. I don't know if that's really easy. It certainly makes things easier if you can be away from and hate the person that slated you...but when you wake up one morning and you don't care any more...it's nice to know they're out there...after all...you were intimately connected for a long time. It's also hard to hate someone that doesn't actually hate you...and that you don't actually hate...you just think they are horrible...and you can't trust anything they say. SO...for a moment...I decided to not hate Liam right away...for my sake really...because I have to be here...and it's easier when I'm not hating the only 'friend' I have. We went way south to a very sort of rural part of London and walked in a park, and looked at little bunny rabbits, and I took pictures...and it was FINALLY beautiful in London.
I still mourn. I'm still terrified. I still ache. I still wake up in a pile of misery, and I still cry uncontrollably every so often. I don't know if I'll stop crying for a long time. I cried at dinner last night...after a few sips of wine...all through my Thai curry. Surely made Liam feel like crap...but, such is the nature of breaking someone's heart. You BETTER feel like crap.