Thursday, May 1, 2008

I Need Your Help

I suppose it's going to seem a bit silly...asking this...knowing me. I've proven myself to be somewhat melodramatic many times, but at this point...I don't know what else to do.

You know how it feels when you have that nagging feeling that something isn't right? And you know you need to bring it up because if you ignore it, it just gets bigger and bigger and worse and worse...and you wake up one day and it's killing you? I asked Liam last night how he felt about the relationship...what were his honest feelings. I felt an ocean between us, growing bigger...and I needed to talk to him...I needed to be able to talk to him. It took him some time...as, I suppose, some people have difficulty expressing themselves, but the conclusion that he drew, in the end, was that he felt, and had felt for quite some time, that our relationship was a strain. That he didn't want to have to make decisions about his future with me. That he didn't want us to have to work so hard to stay together. That he wanted to be free to do as he pleases. And that staying with me was only postponing the problems that might arise in the future.

He had said it before, and I had fought it. But, this time, I couldn't fight it. I wanted him to say that he had doubts, but that he loved me and wanted to be with me...that he dreamed about our future sometimes...like I did. But he didn't. He hadn't. The only future he saw was an end, and I'm not sure if you can argue with that. I'm not sure I can allow myself to fight for someone that isn't sure about me. He actually said, when I asked how he felt about me, that I am 'kind, and loving, and easy to get along with most of the time...and fun to be around,' but that was it. There was no passion behind it. There was no confidence.

I amaze myself sometimes at my ability to hold on and to carry on...to love so deeply and passionately that I put myself aside. I'd like someone that feels the same way. And Liam doesn't. And I can't fight that.

So here I am...confident, as he is, that this is the right thing....but at the same time...so completely alone in this big big city. I have three weeks. I've thought about trying to come home earlier. I don't really have the money...and I also feel like there are things that I haven't done...that I'd like to do before I go. I think I'd like to spend a day on the Tube. Just riding it around to different places. I'd like to go back to the British Museum. The only difficult thing...is waking up every morning...alone. The only hard thing to do now...is to breathe.

So...I need you to help me. I need to feel like you're with me. I need to feel solid ground. I need to feel home.

I know it's a lot to ask...but for those of you that I love...and that I hope love me...I'll pay you back. I promise.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love you, and my heart hurts for you dearest! Now, please forgive me for being obtuse, but what are you asking for? Help getting home sooner? Let me know exactly what you need so that I can help as much as possible.

Apryl

Anonymous said...

You can come home early. Let me know. You are loved. Mother

Calculus Dave said...

I am reading and thinking of you, too.