Yes...this is what I do now...I blog. It keeps me from sitting still and staring off into space...blinking occasionally...feeling hopeless.
I encourage you to read the first blog I wrote today as well...there's always room for two doses of pure misery.
I thought to myself, a bit earlier, that it was a good day because I hadn't cried today...but then I remembered that I spent the first three hours of the day in bed...and I cried a couple of times then.
I tried to go the science museum today and enjoy myself doing one of my favorite things: kicking around in science museums...but I couldn't. I hated everyone there. I hated the exhibits and the line in the bathroom. I hated the smell of lasagna coming from the cutesy restaurant.
I hate the girls walking outside my window singing.
So I left the museum and just walked. I stopped in Hyde Park to rest in the grass...and the clouds were so brightly gray that I had to keep my eyes shut. Then I went to H&M to try on some cheap clothes...and noticed how horrific I looked in the mirror. I am a sight to behold. A pile of miserable hair, dark circles, blotchy skin...and a permanent sad face. I tried to smile...but it was horribly fake.
I was hungry too...but the hunger pains made me feel a little less numb...until I bought a cornish pasty and sat on the sidewalk to eat it with a coke. I took the slow circle line most of the way home and started to feel better...but only slightly. The clouds were even grayer when I got off the tube at Turnpike lane.
What, I ask, is the point of being here....if I can't be happy? Staying and working would be good because it would help me make a little more money to bring home...but it would also be long...and lonely...and confusing. I am rubbish at decision making.
I HATE being single....you know...the kind of single where you're not confident in your ability to be alone. Even though you know it exists...you can't seem to find it down there in your gut. People that have never had to be single...make me sick. You who do not have to work for your happiness. What have I done that makes me less deserving of the happiness you've found...and what have you done that makes you more deserving?
Ugh...this must be more exhausting for you than it is for me. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.