Sunday, May 4, 2008

two in a row

Yes...this is what I do now...I blog. It keeps me from sitting still and staring off into space...blinking occasionally...feeling hopeless.

I encourage you to read the first blog I wrote today as well...there's always room for two doses of pure misery.

I thought to myself, a bit earlier, that it was a good day because I hadn't cried today...but then I remembered that I spent the first three hours of the day in bed...and I cried a couple of times then.

I tried to go the science museum today and enjoy myself doing one of my favorite things: kicking around in science museums...but I couldn't. I hated everyone there. I hated the exhibits and the line in the bathroom. I hated the smell of lasagna coming from the cutesy restaurant.

I hate the girls walking outside my window singing.

So I left the museum and just walked. I stopped in Hyde Park to rest in the grass...and the clouds were so brightly gray that I had to keep my eyes shut. Then I went to H&M to try on some cheap clothes...and noticed how horrific I looked in the mirror. I am a sight to behold. A pile of miserable hair, dark circles, blotchy skin...and a permanent sad face. I tried to smile...but it was horribly fake.

I was hungry too...but the hunger pains made me feel a little less numb...until I bought a cornish pasty and sat on the sidewalk to eat it with a coke. I took the slow circle line most of the way home and started to feel better...but only slightly. The clouds were even grayer when I got off the tube at Turnpike lane.

What, I ask, is the point of being here....if I can't be happy? Staying and working would be good because it would help me make a little more money to bring home...but it would also be long...and lonely...and confusing. I am rubbish at decision making.
I HATE being single....you know...the kind of single where you're not confident in your ability to be alone. Even though you know it exists...you can't seem to find it down there in your gut. People that have never had to be single...make me sick. You who do not have to work for your happiness. What have I done that makes me less deserving of the happiness you've found...and what have you done that makes you more deserving?

Ugh...this must be more exhausting for you than it is for me. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

5 comments:

Cara Schoonover said...

Caroline,
I love you so much. I know we haven't seen each other in some time, but I want you to know I still think about you and cherish the time we spent together. I think you are an amazing person who has been through a lot and I still look up to you. I am just getting over being in love. I broke up with tyler just over a year ago after 3 1/2 years of passion and turmoil. I became what he wanted me to be and when the relationship ended I had no idea who I was. It's been a painful year, yet, the most rewarding. I am still trying to figure out who Cara is, but I'm getting there. I know this feeling you have. I would love to see you if you are coming home. Let me know what your plans are. Love you.

-Cara

Anonymous said...

Even though I briefly perversely enjoy that feeling of hating everything, I mostly hate hating everything that much. So not that you're asking for my opinion, but I think that you should change your environment. How much money would you really make in the next couple of weeks if you stayed? You could start working at home not long after getting back, and you would have people to stay with whom you are not having trouble not hating. Staying is trying to be extremely strong for reasons that don't matter and putting off getting into an environment in which you can start to heal.

Apryl

diana said...

it's not more exhausting for us than it is for you. I say this because I know how tired you are. don't stop trying to do things you love, or things that make you feel pulled together, like wearing a little makeup and fixing your hair. going through the motions will eventually become actual doing. you just need to build a little stamina for it right now. think of it as physical therapy...except with your emotions...which I guess you could just call regular ol' therapy. and you can do this wherever and whenever you decide.

I love you.

Anonymous said...

OF COURSE it is NOT exhausting! We love you and ache that we can only be here (there?) for you in blog form.

And as a un-single person, there is not a single reason, other than this world a lot of times does not make a damn bit of sense. 'Cause you are awesome.

vanessa

Anonymous said...

I was a little behind with the happenings of Caroline Allen. It was nice and horrifying to catch up. I remember a similar scene years ago . . . and sitting on a bed in the Sutton's house - you, me & April. I remember the months after that . . .how you would spend so much time at our apartment, Lonnie would ask daily "what time is Caroline coming over." I know how much you need people. And I too know what it is like to be far from the ones you love, in a place where you have no friends, when your heart is ripped out and you are left to spend the weeks out . . . staring in the face of the person you love who . . . isn't returning the favor. Telling you how much I love you, or that everything will be ok . . . are both things you know and have heard before. I'll tell you this. . .loving someone is a gift you give and receive . . . and that will stay with you until you die. Regret, remorse, and the disillusion of "tomorrow" . . . will also be with you until you die. Just be in the moment - good, bad, or indifferent. Remember the independant woman who dared to travel on her own . . . to find out that she could. Be strong, tough, and suck it up. When you come home . . . we'll all be here for you to cry, ask why, hate, scream . . . and figure it out. I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend. I hope we can resolve this when you come home this summer. :) I think you are a fantastically strong woman. Chin up!