Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'm No Expert on Daytime Television

But, by the time I get over this cold...I might accidentally be. I began my day yesterday by switching back and forth between Regis and Kelly and The View. THE VIEW for cryin out loud. There was a skinny blond bitch that pretty much argued against everyone...she sat in that seat where the young skinny ones usually sit...like Lisa Ling (so I've seen it BEFORE...gees...he who is without sin can totally cast the first stone). Whoopi Goldberg is on the show now...I think I had heard that, but I didn't actually really care. Their guest was....wait for it...Barbara Walters, the freakin' creator herself. It was like watching an old show...only the stupid one was blond instead of asian. I remember Lisa Ling, from Channel One fame, actually said once that she always talked to her psychic in the morning. REALLY? LISA? Come on! You went to Bosnia and places like that with the Channel One crew...you made us believe that it was incredibly dangerous with your 'whispering'....a psychic?

I cursed TLC for their non stop back to back showings of A Baby/Wedding Story. I'd like to produce a show for them called A Wedding because of a Baby Story. That would make for good daytime drama. I avoided watching soaps, or, some might call it self-flagellation, but I did watch a lot of cable access including someone from Memphis interviewing someone else from Memphis that was wearing a giant, yellow, foam cowboy hat with red sequins. It may have been the editor of Jabber Blabber...I was in and out.

Today I opened my day with a Don Johnson show that I thought was Miami Vice...he was in that, right?...but it turned out to be..Nash Bridges? Then I indulged in a little bit of Tyra. She was dealing with people with eating disorders...isn't that what all her shows are about? She had one girl that showed us all how to pump our own stomachs to keep from having to digest any of our food. Then there was this girl that ate baby powder to control her weight. Um...it didn't. When asked why someone might continue to do something this ridonculous without positive results (cause...you never know)...Tyra's eating disorder 'expert' responded, 'I have no idea.' Tyra then did her little concerned brow furrow 'mmmm' face. It was awesome.

Finally...and this is really the creme de la creme (cream of the cream)...Jerry Springer's show for today was called "Lesbians Attack." Now, I don't normally watch Springer, but...I couldn't resist...and I didn't really stay with it the whole time...but I know there was pillow fighting involved...some girl's muff popped out from beneath her extremely short dress...and at one point, a giant American flag was lowered on stage, and everyone stopped fighting to sing the National Anthem. It was in that moment, that I realized I was home. Home. The land of the free, and the home of the worst daytime television in the world...and by worst, I mean...the absolute most amazingly best. I'm hungry now...I'm going to go down some baby powder and get back in front of the boob tube. I think they might be showing back to back Matlock.

6 comments:

Vanessa said...

The other day I was walking through the thrift store, and as I walked past the stacked televisions, I saw Springer. Now I had not watched the show in many years, but I was not at all prepared for the carnival it has become. There was a guy who was billed as a "hillbilly pimp", and sharing the stage (ans framed shot) were hand puppets re-enacting--whatever.

In some ways you have to admire the way the show has reformatted itself to fully embrace the freak/sideshow it always was.

Anonymous said...

That's weird, Vanessa: when I was flipping through the channels late one night, I saw a puppet theater on the stage as well. But I can't watch that show for more than 30 seconds, even with puppets.

And Caroline, Tyra sometimes talks to party girls too, and Dr. Drew from MTV comes on to try to set them straight. Tyra does a lot of her concerned face on those episodes.

Those are the kind of things that I have learned while being back in school instead of at work from 9 to 5.

Apryl

Vanessa said...

well, Apryl, education is important, and when I say education, I mean daytime television.

Caroline, what you need to watch, at least for one afternoon, is ALL the court shows (and I have learned that there are many more than I thought) in one sitting. This will take some amount of stamina as they start at noon with Judge Hatchett and end at 4pm with Judge Judy. In between you will see Judge Alex, Judge Christine, Judge Joe Brown, and Divorce Court.

Personally, I like Divorce Court the best, because I like Judge Lynn Toler. Joe Brown like to hear himself talk--a lot. And he rambles, but he is fun to mock at home.

So there is a daytime assignment.

Alissa said...

hey--you guys should consider Jonathan and Jackson's house. I think it's like 900 total, something like that. but it's huge and you would each get your own shitter. and i already planted tulips :)

vylica.8 said...

a. i love that you translated creme de la creme.

b. you know something is fucked up, when talk show "experts" fall silent.

c. i love your headline and beginning line. really, i love this blog b/c it made me shoot a little vitamin water out of my nose in front of my students.

d. when you were watching the aliens (oh, my bad- the lesbians) attack, and the american flag lowered, prompting instantaneous patriotism... did you happen to catch one of those moments previously described by apryl? you know, where you forget the ache for an hour or so b/c you were too busy laughing? i sincerely hope so, b/c that my friend...

THAT was good shit. and by "good shit," i mean bonafide white trash entertainment.

john/laura said...

i guess talking to a psychic is the reason lisa ling didn't get killed in a place like bosnia, if she really is as dumb as she makes herself out to be.