Friday, May 2, 2008

Waking up is hard to do

I forgot what it was like in the days following the removal of your heart. Yesterday and today I opened my eyes after a drug-induced night of sleep and immediately began to cry. I can't cry enough right now. My eyes are permanently swollen. I am filled with terror.

Yesterday, I was sent home from work, but I didn't go home. I walked around Hampstead Heath for close to three hours. The sun was shining, and it was absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. It also rained a little. A cloud blew over for about thirty minutes, but it only rained for about ten. And it hailed. Small hail, but hail none-the-less. I stood under a tree and cried. Sobbed.

When I got home, I crawled into bed to cry...and this is where I've been since then. Except for when I went to the polling station with Liam so that he could vote for the mayor of London. He is so resolute...he still cares for me...but he is resolved and confident in his decision.

I feel like I should be dead. The sun is making a mockery of me. I spent so much time here looking forward to spring-time...excited about how beautiful the city would be in the spring...and now it's here...and I can't drag myself out of this pain. It isn't allowed. I know...now...having done this before...that there is another side to this...that I will get there someday...and I will be at peace...again. I can't even bring myself to go to the bathroom.

I am scared of the future. I am scared of the time when I'll be desperate to find someone to hold onto. Why are we always looking for someone? The only time I'm not looking for someone to hold onto is when I have someone to hold. Now I don't have anything. I don't want to make the same mistakes. But I probably will. And that is terrifying.

When I asked for help in my last post...I was merely asking for support...for words...I want to know that you are there, that I am not crying out into an empty abyss. I have no one here except the one person I want more than anything...and he doesn't want me. I hate that there is a six hour gap between me and my real home. I hate that I can't bring myself to enjoy this beautiful city. I need to hear (see) your voices. I am drowning.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am here, Caroline. I am with you in spirit. Call me. I wish there were another way through what you're going through now. I know of no other. Come home and cry. Imperfect, but home. Love, Mother

Nate Ealy said...

I'm sorry Caroline. I don't really know what to tell you but I'm thinking about you and I hope I can see you sometime this summer. I know how strong you are and you can do this! Nathan E

Anonymous said...

Really my heart is breaking for you. I teared up reading this. When you are here, I want to give you the biggest hug possible.

much much love vanessa

Anonymous said...

You will not make the same mistakes. You have not been making the same mistakes. Each experience that you has been richer and better for you. I hurt for you, but I am not worried about you. I have always admired how you pick yourself back up again after big and little heartbreaks. And you do have something: you have your amazing, wonderful, resilient self and many people in many places who care about you. I love you, dear.

Apryl