This morning i thought to myself that I might make it through the day without crying. I drove to midtown after a shower to remove the thick film of insect repellent from my skin, and I sang to some music in the car, and thought, "maybe I won't cry today." I spent the afternoon watching television with Diana, which, probably isn't that bad...but I've just moved to Memphis from London. I've moved from a place where something is constantly happening to a place where nothing is happening....except the humidity, and I feel like I'm practically dead. Sitting on my ass for four hours at a time makes me hate myself even more...hate my...I don't know. So, at the end of the day...I went home and I cried. I walked into my mom's place and I gave her this teary look and said, "can I cry a little?" So we went to her room and we climbed into bed, and she told me to just talk...so I did. I rambled on and on about how I don't feel like I have a place here any more. Every one is one place, and I'm over here...in this crappy place...and I don't feel like I fit...like I can contribute...I rambled about how I should just go somewhere else and start completely fresh...how I don't know what I should do, but I'm scared to marry myself to a decision right now. My mom told me to slow down and be here for a minute...she pretty much told me to do what I'd been planning to do...but she emphasized that I would be going somewhere else in the future...I just had to figure out where the best place to go would be. Sometimes I get scared that I'll get scared...that if I stay here too long...I'll get overly comfortable again...and not be able to venture out and meet my goals.
Before I met him, I always felt like I was looking for someone. And, after I met him, I felt like I didn't need to look anymore...I thought I'd never have to worry about having to look again (because I'm just that naive)...and it made me happy...it made me feel safe. I don't feel safe any more. I feel like my searching will take over again...and instead of finding myself, I'll continue looking for someone else, and I'll forget my dreams. Is there a remedy for the desperately seeking soul? Is there something to calm the fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life...long enough to allow me to see clearly down the path towards my future...so that I might be more open...more prepared...to find someone that won't ask me to give anything up....or to wait.
So...I did not make it through the day without crying. Day 26. Not enough days yet, I suppose. That's just how it goes.
3 comments:
It sounds cheesy, but maybe you could make a list of things that you want to do--big and small--and concentrate on checking them off. One thing that usually makes me feel better is volunteering. The best times were when I volunteered by myself instead of with friends. I didn't have people around reminding me of who I am supposed to be and what was going on in my life, and I met some wonderful people who challenged me to try new things (and I don't just mean Hayden).
Apryl
I suspect when your job starts that cabin fever feeling will diminish. also, I am often lame.
If you're looking to take Apryl's advice and volunteer . . . might I suggest 1-800-volunteer.org? It has a tremendous wealth of places in your specific area that are in need of volunteers. If you're interested in working with middle school-behavioral challenged-boys, then give me a call. I'll hook you up. Wait, that sounded wrong. I'll connect you with a volunteer application. Not with a middle school boy. Yikes!
Still waiting. . .
~megan
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